Andrew Huberman: Relationships, Drama, Betrayal, Sex, and Love

Listen, when it comes to romantic relationships, if it's not a 100% in you, it ain't happening. And I've never seen a violation of that statement where it's like, "Yeah, it's mostly good." And this is like the negotiations, already it's doomed. And that doesn't mean someone has to be perfect. The relationship has to be perfect, but it's got to feel a 100% inside, like yes, yes, and yes. The following is a conversation with my dear friend Andrew Huberman, his fourth time on this podcast. It's my birthday, so this is a special birthday episode of sorts. Andrew flew down to Austin just to wish me a happy birthday, and we decided to do a podcast last second. We literally talked for hours beforehand and a long time after late into the night. He's one of my favorite human beings, brilliant scientists, incredible teacher, and a loyal friend. I'm grateful for Andrew. I'm grateful for good friends, for all the support and love I've gotten over the past few years. I'm truly grateful for this life, for the years, the days, the minutes, the seconds I've gotten to live on this beautiful earth of ours. I really don't want to leave just yet. I think I'd really like to stick around. I love you all. This is the Lex Fridman podcast. And now, dear friends, here's Andrew Huberman.

I'm trying to run a little bit more. Are you losing weight?

So this is technically a birthday podcast. What do you love most about getting older? It's like the confirmation that comes from getting more and more data, which basically says, " Yeah, the first time you thought that thing, it was actually right because the second, third and fourth and fifth time, it turned out the exact same way." In other words, there have been a few times in my life where I did not feel easy about something. I felt a signal for my body, "This is not good." And I didn't trust it early on, but I knew it was there.

What do you think is there in that subconscious? What do you think of the Jungian and shadow? What's there? There's this idea, as you're familiar with too. I'm sure that this Jungian idea that we all have all things inside of us, that all of us have the capacity to be evil, to be good, et cetera, but that some people express one or the other to a greater extent. But he also mentioned that there's a unique category of people, maybe 2 to 5% of people that don't just have all things inside of them, but they actually spend a lot of time exploring a lot of those things. The darker recesses, the shadows, their own shadows.

Well, sometimes when I look inside and I do this often exploring who you truly are, you come to this question, do I accept... Once you see parts, do I accept this or do I fix this? Is this who you are fundamentally, and it will always be this way, or is this a problem to be fixed? For example, one of the things, especially recently, but in general over time I've discovered about myself probably has roots in childhood, probably has roots in a lot of things, is I deeply value loyalty maybe more than the average person. And so when there's disloyalty, it can be painful to me. And so this is who I am, and so do I have to relax a bit? Do I have to fix this part or is this who you are? And there's a million, that's one little... I think loyalty is a good thing to cling to, provided that when loyalty is broken, that it doesn't disrupt too many other areas of your life. But it depends also on whose disrupting that loyalty, if it's a coworker versus a romantic partner versus your exclusive romantic partner, depending on the structure of your romantic partner life. I mean, I have always experienced extreme joy and feelings of safety and trust in my friendships. Again, mostly male friendships, but female friendships too, which is only to say that they were mostly male friendships. The female friendships have also been very loyal. So getting backstabbed is not something I'm familiar with. And yeah, I love being crewed up.

So speaking of Shakespeare, I've recently gotten to know Neri Oxman who's this incredible scientist that works at the intersection of nature and engineering and she reminded me of this Anna Akhmatova line. This is this great Soviet poet that I really love from over a century ago that each of our lives is a Shakespearean drama raised to the thousand degree. So I have to ask, why do you think humans are attracted to this kind of Shakespearean drama? Is there some aspect we've been talking about the subconscious mind that pulls us towards the drama, even though the place of mental health is peace? Yes and yes.

I mean, about prayer in general. You said information and figuring out how to get stronger, healthier, smarter, all those kinds of things. A part of me believes that deeply. You can gain a lot of knowledge and wisdom through learning. But a part of me believes that all the wisdom I need was there when I was 11 and 12 years old. And then, it got cluttered over. Well, listen, I can't wait for you and Conti to talk again. Because when he gets going about the subconscious and the amount of this that sits below the surface like an iceberg. And the fact that when we're kids, we're not obscuring a lot of that subconscious as much. And sometimes, that can look a little more primitive. I mean, a kid that's disappointed will let you know. A kid that's excited will let you know and you feel that raw exuberance or that raw dismayal.

This is advanced contracting of behavior for a species that normally we don't think of as sophisticated as us. So it's very interesting and it gets to something that I hope we'll have an opportunity to talk about because it's something that I'm obsessed with lately, is this notion of overt versus covert contracts, right? There are overt contracts where you exchange work for money or you exchange any number of things in an overt way. But then, there are covert contracts, and those take on a very different form and always lead to, in my belief, bad things. Well, how much of human and chimp relationships are overt versus covert?

But there's also this thing that maybe we're in this portion of the podcast now, but I've experienced this- I should say that this is late at night, we're talking about.

Since we brought up Chimp Empire, let me ask you about relationships. I think we've talked about relationships. Yeah, I only date Homo sapiens.

[inaudible 01:25:13]. I could tell you you're good at this. Why did I bring up sexual selection, is good relationships, so sexual selection in humans. I don't think you've done an episode on relationships. No, I did an episode on attachment but not on relationships.

I have to ask you a question that somebody in our amazing team wanted to ask. He's happily married. Another, like you mentioned, incredible relationship. Are they good friends?

Okay. You're one of the most productive people I know. What's the secret to your productivity? How do you maximize the number of productive hours in a day? You're a scientist, you're a teacher, you're a very prolific educator. Well, thanks for the kind words. I struggle like everybody else, but I am pretty relentless about meeting deadlines. I miss them sometimes, but sometimes that means cramming. Sometimes that means starting early. But-

The inner and the outer peace. It's been over two years, I think, since Costello passed away. It still tears me up. I cried about him today. I cried about him today.